What happened?
Today the sun was shining and it was actually quite warm and not windy at all. Very nice in fact. I hurried out so I wouldn’t miss the sunshine. My mom and I went shopping (groceries, nothing more fun).
That’s when I was hit with depression. By staying indoors for quite a while (except for bringing in the mail, apples etc or hanging the laundry) I’d sort of been in denial. Partially shut myself down. Now it all came back to me. What a pathetic failure I am. What a loser.
At the store we ran into a woman my mom knew from way back. I remember her kids. It was like looking back in time. There he was, that kid (who wasn’t my friend, but I knew him – he lived in our neighbourhood). Except he’s not six years old anymore, with one of those toothless smiles, six-year-olds have. It was the guy’s son. And according to the grandmother there are more grandkids, and she and this boy were going to get them.
Great. This guy, who quite honestly is younger than me, has more than one kid now. Then look at me. Living with my mom. Still struggling to get a degree and later, hopefully, a job. No boyfriend, no kids. Help!
I know many other people are a lot worse off, so I’m ashamed to whine like this, but I just hate myself for failing this badly. The worst part is I’ve never known what to do or rather how to do it, obviously, or I’d have done it years ago. (Close your eyes, take a deep breath. If you can’t even calm down, how are you ever going to straighten out this mess you’ve made of your life?) There. One thing at a time. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? A pity it isn’t, not really.
Bitter and disappointed
These days I find it hard to rouse myself from my apathy. I’m beginning to realize that this is how my life turned out. There’s no hope at all that I’ll be able to work things out now. It’s too late, or rather, considering the sort of person I am, there was never any chance. I used to be angry with myself for failing all the time. Now that I’ve thought long and hard about it, I know that there was never any way I could have ended up anywhere other than here. With my personality, I would have ended up this way even if I had another chance.
Another chance… You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to turn the clock back and still have time, still have a future. If there was any way I could get that, that’s what I’d do. No matter what little change I might be able to to make to my life, it won’t make up for ending up like this.
I’m even beginning to think I was lucky to get seriously ill and nearly die. It made me think that was why I’m such a failure. But that wasn’t it. It was just the way I was.
Yes, I am bitter and disappointed. It hurts to know that nothing will change. My life is going to continue like this, or get worse. I don’t know how other people live with this, but I handle it badly.
