Bitter and disappointed

These days I find it hard to rouse myself from my apathy. I’m beginning to realize that this is how my life turned out. There’s no hope at all that I’ll be able to work things out now. It’s too late, or rather, considering the sort of person I am, there was never any chance. I used to be angry with myself for failing all the time. Now that I’ve thought long and hard about it, I know that there was never any way I could have ended up anywhere other than here. With my personality, I would have ended up this way even if I had another chance.

Another chance… You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to turn the clock back and still have time, still have a future. If there was any way I could get that, that’s what I’d do. No matter what little change I might be able to to make to my life, it won’t make up for ending up like this.

I’m even beginning to think I was lucky to get seriously ill and nearly die. It made me think that was why I’m such a failure. But that wasn’t it. It was just the way I was.

Yes, I am bitter and disappointed. It hurts to know that nothing will change. My life is going to continue like this, or get worse. I don’t know how other people live with this, but I handle it badly.