What happened?

Today the sun was shining and it was actually quite warm and not windy at all. Very nice in fact. I hurried out so I wouldn’t miss the sunshine. My mom and I went shopping (groceries, nothing more fun).

That’s when I was hit with depression. By staying indoors for quite a while (except for bringing in the mail, apples etc or hanging the laundry) I’d sort of been in denial. Partially shut myself down. Now it all came back to me. What a pathetic failure I am. What a loser.

At the store we ran into a woman my mom knew from way back. I remember her kids. It was like looking back in time. There he was, that kid (who wasn’t my friend, but I knew him – he lived in our neighbourhood). Except he’s not six years old anymore, with one of those toothless smiles, six-year-olds have. It was the guy’s son. And according to the grandmother there are more grandkids, and she and this boy were going to get them.

Great. This guy, who quite honestly is younger than me, has more than one kid now. Then look at me. Living with my mom. Still struggling to get a degree and later, hopefully, a job. No boyfriend, no kids. Help!

I know many other people are a lot worse off, so I’m ashamed to whine like this, but I just hate myself for failing this badly. The worst part is I’ve never known what to do or rather how to do it, obviously, or I’d have done it years ago. (Close your eyes, take a deep breath. If you can’t even calm down, how are you ever going to straighten out this mess you’ve made of your life?) There. One thing at a time. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? A pity it isn’t, not really.