Thoughts in the Dark

It’s at night they come, the thoughts I’d rather not have. They whirl around in my mind, so in the end I can’t sleep, no matter how tired I am. It feels as if it’s never been darker, in my room and in my life. Worse, it feels as if it can only get darker and darker, not only because the autumn equinox has passed, but because it feels as if any chances I might have had, have come and gone without me being aware of it, and in any case I missed them.

‘How could you fail at…’

‘If you’d been any better at…, you would have…’

‘What guy would want a girl like you?’

‘Things keep getting worse and worse.’

‘What’s going to happen to…’

‘Everyone else has already…’

That’s how it sounds in my mind, night after night, until daylight comes through the window or I can’t take it anymore and I get up and turn on the light, until I sit down at my computer, or just starts doing anything, whatever, to silence the questions and accusations in my head. Then everything goes quiet, in the light, and maybe, if I get tired enough, in the dark.