Career?
Recently, I read about two people in my online community, who were in the movie industry. Once several years ago, I chatted with a girl who was studying forensics and was going to be an FBI agent, at least she told me that. Who knows if it was true? She didn’t seem to be fibbing, that’s all I can say.
Anyway, finding out about these people, who seem to be fulfilling their potential made my anxiety hit even worse. It’s like twisting a knife in a wound. And no, I’m not envious. I’m glad for them. They must work a whole lot harder than I could force myself to, the way I am now, and they probably have a lot more talent than I do, so it’s not going to happen to me anyway.
It’s just that reading about people who have great careers, even if they’re not famous or anything like that, hurts. Hurts more than if I just read about people who make a living. I’d be glad to do that too, if I could, but it doesn’t hurt because they’re just running the rat race like everyone else, not realizing their dreams.
The thing is, I’ve never had much self confidence and I’ve always been a low energy person. Some people might say I’m lazy. Let them. If it makes them feel better about themselves, they can knock themselves out.
You see, I suffer from this fatigue. And pain. Depression, anxiety. You name it, I got it. But explanations don’t really help. I want to do something that makes me if not happy, then at least a little glad. A little content.
I guess that for some people, even the most basic things that most people can take for granted will always be out of reach. All my life, people have been saying things like ‘it takes hard work to make it’. ‘Just go for it’. Etc. Ad nauseam. Sure, I’d love to work hard, if I knew what at. I’ve just never known. It’s like I’m blind or something.
You probably don’t want to know what it is that I’d like to do, but this is my blog and I’ll tell you anyway. I write. Make up stories. Having my novels published would be great. Someone, a journalist, who was kind enough to read one of my stories, thought I should try to get my stories turned into movies (or tv series, I guess). That would make me feel great.
Failing that, I’d like to work in a bookstore, library, museum or archive. All that would be fun. A magazine maybe. Possibly a daily newspaper, if I got to write a column on the last page. Fluff. Not the kind of thing with a deadline that really feels life threatening.
Still, it seems that what the world has to offer is working with people. Not really what I want to do, but sure, I can do it and I do. Believe me, I’m grateful for every chance I can get to make a little money.
I mean, I’m not a plant. Sunshine and water won’t keep me alive. Sunshine? Yeah, that stuff we had last year. Water we do have. It falls from the sky all the time, so if I could live on that alone, I’d be home free, but well, that’s not how it is.
So, to sum things up. I’m here, not doing what I want to do, and having not the faintest idea of how to get there. I guess I got lost somewhere along the way.
Girl Detectives and Wounded Crows
The other day I read a rather interesting article in Guardian Unlimited, which I assume is the web version of the British paper, The Guardian.
In any case, the article was about classic girl books. The writer wrote about how she’d grown up with and identified with the tough tomboys, like George in Enid Blyton’s Five books and – a slightly odd choice, in my opinion – Nancy Drew, the Girl Detective. These days there are plenty of mysteries for children and young adults, but back then I’m sure it was more rare.
In the article the author makes several good points and she also quotes Mark Twain, about what constitues a heoine. It’s sarcastic, but sadly true.
I just have to mention some late versions of George and Nancy.
First Lisa Simpson. I haven’t watched that much of the Simpsons (true), but I really admire Lisa anyway. She’s a tough, independent girl, who stands up for what she believes in, despite a lot of negative responses.
Since this is about Nancy, I just have to mention Veronica Mars, a Nancy for the 21 century. She’s tough and independent too, and a skilled professional, all at the age of eighteen.
But this was supposed to be about George and Nancy.
I remember that I found it odd to realize that my mother might have grown up with the same books. She didn’t, maybe by accident, but I’m also guessing the Nancy Drew and the Five books weren’t translated that early. Mom did read a lot by ‘Edith Blyton’ as the children in Sweden thought her name was back then.
I recall reading these books too (not all, but definitely Nancy Drew and the Five books). I didn’t identify with the girls as much as with the boys. I didn’t feel like a boy, but I couldn’t help noticing they got the best adventures.
Unfortunately, even at that age, I realized that though George tried to look like a boy, which I wouldn’t have minded at that age, if my body had been suited for it, she didn’t have a future as a boy. No matter how good she was at ‘serious’ subjects and no matter how strong and acrobatic, she would be forced into the girly-girl trap as an adult.
At least I knew I lived in another time and things would be different for me (ha ha). In any case, I didn’t give two hoots about the neat, well behaved girly-girls. I fell in love with the cutest, sweetest boys, but at the same time, I wanted to be them, at least while I read the book.
Most of all, though, I got into the adventures. It’s no coincidence that I consider myself a writer, though an unpublished one. The plot was more important to me, though personally, I work more on the characters and the dialogue. Those weren’t particularly important in the Nancy Drew or Five books, if I remember correctly.
Mysteries weren’t the only books I read. I literally devoured books. Mainly mysteries and fantasy but also books about horses, dogs and much more. Not that many romantic novels, and I still don’t. First of all, the love story didn’t hook me, and secondly, the ‘hero’ isn’t my thing either. They’re usually too sexist.
I want a sweet, shy, cute guy, preferably someone who’s a victim or has been hurt somehow. In the mystery I’m currently ‘reading’ (it’s an audio book I borrowed from mom) a girl describes the guy she’s in love with like this: He’s a real man, not some wounded crow. Then it hit me. I want a wounded crow. And I want to identify with a tough, but not mean girl.
Is that too much to ask?
In any case, I’m glad I read these books about relatively tough, active girls. It hasn’t changed my life in practice, but it’s definitely helped shape my personality. So now you know. It’s George’s and Nancy’s fault that I am the way I am.
Second Life – a Language School?
It’s kind of funny. I’ve been a member of a number of different language sites and I still use one regularly. Many different people contact me, wanting to ‘learn’ Swedish, without taking any classes. Some just want to practice their English. No one stays in touch for long. I can’t say I’ve had much use for the exchange.
Strangely enough, in the relatively short time I’ve been in Second Life, I’ve already felt that I can express myself more freely, especially in French and Spanish. Not as much in Italian and German, but at least there’s some improvement.
I don’t have that many close friends in SL, but that doesn’t really matter. The constantly new people who want advice or help or – in some cases- who want to help me, will ask or tell me things in their languages. I need to find the right words or expressions quickly, almost as if I was in France or Spain or wherever it is.
Sure I need to let go of my demands for perfection. My sentences tend to be simple and basic, as I used to express myself in the years before I first went to school (when it comes to Swedish) or the first years of learning English (roughly ten to thirteen).
That’s not really a problem. I can make myself understood and my brief acquaintances appreciate the fact that I respond in their languages. It might be hard to believe, but there are some ‘residents’ of SL who aren’t fluent in English.
This even made me want to learn Portuguese too. Several times I’ve been unable to chat with the Brazilians who get in touch, hoping I’m a Portuguese speaker too. Who knows, some of those people might be really nice.
So, now I can add another advantage to being in SL. In a way, it’s a pretty good language school. If this is making you a bit curious, why don’t you drop in? There’s just one thing – you’ll need a quite modern and strong computer. Other than that, it’s not difficult. Besides, if you’re not that good at for instance English, there will most likely be people from your country in world already. Search for groups for people from your country or people speaking your language and join them. From the start, you’ll have some people to talk to.
Where’s my time machine?
Just now I watched a movie we recorded some time in the late 90’s. Johnny Mnemonic, but that doesn’t have much to do with this. First I saw a short sequence from a talk show – one of our Swedish ones – And this – come on – I hate talk shows – but this one actually seemed ok. I never even watched those when they were on. The theme song is so good. Of course I thought so even at the time. But again, it’s got nothing to do with any of this.
Before my movie started, there was a commercial and – this is completely insane – it was better too, compared to what we get now. Not that it’s anywhere as good as the commercials I’ve seen on British tv.
Then finally the good old 90’s movie began, with its fin de siècle ambiance. Back in those days when we thought everything was pretty much ok and would continue to be that way, so we dared to watch dystopic depictions of the future.
That’s when I realized it. I want to go back. Help, I want out. The future isn’t what it used to. Where’s my time machine?
I want to return to the days when I, despite everything, still had a little hope left. When there was still a little bit of good future left to look forward to. At least I thought so. But here it is. The bad new world, with carbon footprints and mass extinctions and more incurable plagues than ever before. Where the abyss is gaping wide open only half a step from my narrowing path.
If you find my time machine, or maybe the wormhole I can catch a ride with back home, get in touch. I can pack really quickly and I don’t sleep so well either. Here I am, just waiting.
French Books
I want to practice my French. Anyone who’s read my blog for a while, already knows that. One of my methods is to read books, in French, preferably originally written in French.
That’s the problem. I’m having trouble finding any books I like, in French. I can find some of my favorites translated from English, but that’s not really what I want. Translations aren’t quite the same.
When I go to the website of Amazon.fr, I have to dig around for ages, until I find some original French mysteries. Unfortunately, they all seem to be historic mysteries. Yes, I do love historic stories, but I’ve already found my favorite series of historic mysteries in French. What I’m looking for now is something set in the present. Something that isn’t sexist.
So, where does that leave me? Do I need to resort to translations? I’d be really disappointed if I have to. Where are the original, modern French mysteries? Where the fantasy stories are? Nowhere?
Maybe I can find some children’s books I might like. Maybe my wish to become fluent in French is doomed anyway. Only time will tell.
Adventures in 3D land
Ok. I’ll admit it. That title – I just made it up because it looks cool. So far I haven’t had any adventures of any kind in 3D land. Not that I want to. That kind of adventure.
Let’s start at the beginning. Last summer I let myself be talked into joining Second Life. My sister was already hooked and she thought I’d like it too. In a way, I did. It’s a fantastic 3D environment. Better than any other attempt I’ve seen in the nine years I’ve been online. What’s missing is some content.
I’m not Bob the Builder. I’m not there to look for sexual contacts either. What else is there? Well, according to my sister, who is the only one I know in there, you can chat. Socialize. Like in any other social networking community. There are even groups, for people with all kinds of interests.
So I joined them. There were actually groups for most of the things I’m interested in. Unfortunately, that didn’t help at all. They seem too haphazard and vague for me. Or maybe it’s just that it’s hard to fit in. The people in those groups are presumably already friends. Maybe it’s my shy Scandinavian temperament. Who knows? In any case it didn’t help.
Supposedly, there are also all kinds of ‘real life’ events too. Concerts. Pub performances. Even online courses or lectures arranged by respectable universities. Lately, Sweden, yeah, that’s right, my country, has started a cultural embassy inside the virtual community.
So far though, I haven’t found my place in there.
What I have done, which I’ve enjoyed enormously, is create my avatar. It’s more fun than you might think. Certainly more fun than I expected. In real life I’m nobody’s fashion freak. In Second Life makeovers are a breeze. You just go shopping for new hair, new clothes, even new skins and shapes.
Shopping… Well, as you know there are women who love shopping then there are others who don’t. I belong in the latter category. Unless you let me loose in a bookstore with lots of spending money, shopping simply doesn’t appeal to me. I guess I’m too much of a tomboy at heart. Tech stuff is nice too, if even more expensive. Other than that, I just can’t stand shopping sprees.
In Second Life it’s just so much easier and practical. Unfortunately, it’s just as expensive and being the cheap weirdo that I am, I absolutely refuse to ‘buy’ Lindens – the currency, not the founders… Not sure if those are for sale… LOL.
That brings me to the most typical aspect of Second Life. Money. Business. People actually run businessed in there. Make believe businesses, selling make believe stuff. Believe it or not, someone’s actually become a real life millionaire selling (or rather speculating in) land.
I’ve been forced to learn new ways of making money. Being who I am, I absolutely refuse to join the sex industry. When it comes to sex, I’d rather buy than sell. Just kidding. About the buying part, not about the selling part. That’s my final word. Fortunately, there are a few more ways of making money.
So now I’ve become a professional dancer. LOL. No, not quite, but I do ‘camp’ for Lindens. Most addicts (did I say addicts? Slip of the tongue). Most residents frown on that, but camping is available and so I camp to make money. I sit in a chair or I dance. As simple as that. Of course you don’t make much and there are many pitfalls and hangups. You can get logged out. Some camping providers (is that the word, SL:ers?) kick you out on purpose so you have to pay a little fee to start over again. If you’re not careful you end up losing money instead of making it.
Anyway, let’s say I have a little hard earned cash. I head for the luxurious stores. In Second Life shopping really is a pleasure. You can walk around those endless halls, gazing at the merchandise hanging on the walls. Once you’ve found what you’re looking for (and being me, I’m extremely picky) you click on the item you’ve chosen and voilà ! You’ve bought it.
One of the worst aspects of Second Life is that it can be extremely sexist. I’m not going to get into the more ‘adult’ examples of this. Suffice it to say that the female apparel is slutty. There’s no other word for it. You’re expected parade your poor avatar around half-naked. Not me. Not this girl.
There. Enough for now. This is the end of my (possibly first) report from 3D land.
Celebrities I’d like to kiss
I recently saw a list of the ten celebrities the Swedish people would like to kiss. It was in one of the tabloids. (No, wait. Did I read something in a tabloid? That has to be a mistake. This is what really happened. I was searching for something else and accidentally ended up on that page. Right. That’s it.)
In any case, I didn’t agree with most of the choices on that list, so I had the idea of making up my own. I couldn’t come up with ten, so there’s only six on my list. They’re not in any particular order, except maybe nr one and two.
1. Eagle Eye Cherry
2. Ola Rapace
3. Danny
4. Darin
5. Niclas Wahlgren
6. Niklas Strömstedt
What meandering roads your mind can take you on, when you’re a little tired. 🙂 Since I’m rarely completely alert, I naturally thought of some international (or rather American) celebrities I’d like to kiss. Here too, there’s no particular order except when it comes to the first two.
1. Jonathan Bennet
2. Johnny Depp
3. Enrique Murciano
4. Danny Pino
5. Jason Dohring
6. Jared Leto
