No one notices your brand new sweater…
I haven’t really heard this song completely, but it’s been on a couple of tv shows over the past five years or so, that I’ve been forced to passively watch/listen to, so I’m a bit familiar with it. It’s actually a really sad song which tells you the harsh, realistic truth about life – how no one will grieve when you die, no one wants to know what you’re doing and no one wants to know where you bought your brand new sweater. Which is kind of the way life is, isn’t it? If it isn’t a whole lot worse than that. I think so anyway…
However, a great antidote to life’s depressing aspects is – writing!
So I’d add a line to the song – ‘No one notices your brand new sweater – but that’s ok, if you write something good, cool or fun.’
If you don’t write, let’s say the same except ‘but that’s ok because you can always read a good book.’ 🙂
Somewhere in Sweden (‘My soldier’)
This one doesn’t have anything to do with my situation, but since I was on YouTube and found this sad song, I’ll post it here anyway. And just because I’m interested in history.
Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone
My life is over. No, I’m not dead or even dying, at least not any more than we, all of us, are from the time we’re born. In fact, using some definition of ‘life’ I might be around for a very long time more. Unfortunately, in my family, we tend to have very long ‘lives’.
What I mean is, any hope I ever had of deriving any pleasure from life is gone. I should have seen it sooner, really. Like the smart little frog, I should have seen where this was going and given up and drowned. The stupid frog wins, someone saves him. No one’s going to save me and frankly, I wouldn’t want anyone else to save me. If I can’t save myself, I don’t want to be saved. And I can’t. So, like I said. It’s over.
You might ask what’s changed since last night. Well, in a way, a lot of things have changed. It seems I will probably be stuck in this hell hole where I ‘live’ for – well, for as long as I ‘live’. My one chance of getting out of here just vanished. I can’t tell you exactly what happened, because it’s still too painful. I don’t even know the full circumstances yet. Chances are, I won’t want to know.
Secondly, I had some other bad news. I can’t tell you what that is either. You probably wouldn’t understand, but it was the one thing I still had left to hope for, other than getting out of here.
It’s time I face the facts. I’ll never succeed in anything I try. I should have known sooner. I’ve been failing for more years than I like to remember. The truth is, I’ve never succeeded at anything after I left school.
Time to give up. Time to stop trying. Why should I set myself up for disappointment, when it’s clear that nothing is ever going to work out? Each time I allow myself to hope, those hopes are crushed, sooner or later.
This time I should be smart and stop. Stop trying, stop hoping, stop hurting. Except that last one won’t be possible. When I look at others around me the inevitable comparisons are going to show up. Why is she such a success when I’m not?
Of course, I only have myself to blame. I was born this way. Set up for failure from the time I was born. I’ve tried as hard as I’ve been able to try. As hard as someone like me is capable of. What a cruel joke.
I read somewhere that we, humanity, Earth, the universe, might just be one big simulation, created by some beings far more powerful than we are. In that case, i can only conclude that they did it out of spite. Doesn’t everything seem like one big cruel, sadistic joke? To me it does.
So this is it. TIme to get smart. Time to finally learn from my life and take the consequences. Maybe it will hurt a little less if I stop trying.
RIP, L!
The other day, I found out that a friend of mine from school had died. We hadn’t met for years, but I was really upset. It’s so hard to imagine that he’s gone, that I’ll never hear his voice again. Even if we hadn’t met for ages, he was still as real to me as the last time we met. Now I’ll just have to get used to the idea that we’ll never see each other again.
I miss you, L!
