At least that’s over now…

Most of yesterday I was at a funeral. A relative has passed away. She was old and I suppose we should have expected this, but somehow, you’re never prepared. In a way, we weren’t all that close, but in a way, we were. It’s only now that I’ve realized how different it will be without her. We didn’t meet in person, not for a long time, and now I feeel guilty about that. I always meant to try to see her one way or another, but it never happened and now it’s too late. We did talk on the phone now and then, but it was mainly my mom she called. They were cousins. For many years she was the only person, outside the immediate family who remembered my birthday. She always sent me a postcard and I always called her and thanked her. She was also my sponsor, at my christening.

That meant that there was no question of my not going to her funeral. I hate funerals, but this time, I definitely needed to go. After the ceremony – which made me cry – all that talk about death  – all visitors were treated to food and coffee and cake. Not for me though. Being vegan, I couldn’t eat anything that was on offer. Not that it mattered to me. I’m used to it.

During the meal, we were encouraged to share memories we had of our relative or friend. I couldn’t think of anything in particular. Partly, I suppose, because I was so tired. I hadn’t slept all night. I sat at the table, next to my mom, in a room full of strangers. Some people were nice and tried to include me in their conversations, but most ignored me.

Losing someone always makes me think about others I’ve lost and that definitely didn’t help. While we were in church, it started to snow. I’d been hoping we wouldn’t get any more snow, but as it turned out, none of it remained on the ground. It all melted away before the guests began to disperse.

It was a bit slippery though and I’m totally out of shape, so when I got back, I was hurting all over. (Shame on me.) I was completely exhausted and had to go to bed early and slept until very late. I’m still not back to normal.

There’s another thing that’s made me think about dead relatives. A while back, my sister had someone ask to do a ‘reading’ on her. She didn’t feel she could refuse. Some of what this woman told her could be just general stuff she could have told anyone, but there were a few things that made us think. Stuff only we knew about the relative she claimed to speak for. It was an eerie sensation, being forced to consider things in a new way. Whether or not there’s anything in these psychic readings, it got me thinking about this relative. What we knew about him and all the things we didn’t.

All this has put me in a very strange mood. I hope I’ll snap out of it soon.