Warning: self-pity
Lately almost all the books I’ve read have been disappointments, at least to some extent. I can’t believe I’ve completely lost my judgment so I can only imagine that somehow the books (or their writers) or I have changed. It’s probably the latter. The me of today has changed too much. I’m sadder and more disillusioned. Maybe if I manage to pull myself together and straighten my life out, I’ll become more enthusiastic about books again. Don’t get me wrong, I still love books, I just don’t seem to feel as happy about them as I did, even three or four years ago.
I feel my life slipping away, slipping through my fingers, like in that awful biblical story I was told about in what the people who ran my daycare had instead of Sunday school (Saturday school?). It’s been haunting me ever since. You probably know it, if you’re familiar with the Bible.
A girl walks across a field. She’s to pick only the best grains, but every time she sees what she believes to be the best, she catches sight of others in the distance, that seem bigger and better. In the end, she’s walked across the field, her basket empty, and.she can’t go back.
What worries me is that even though I’m probably somewhere on the field still, knowing I need to harvest the grains, I can’t do it. There’s always something preventing me and I can’t stand still either, I keep moving ahead, in one sense, yet not moving at all, in another sense. It scares me.
I don’t know what to do and I suppose not liking the few books I can afford, is the least of my problems. It’s just that those books should be brightening my days and instead, they’re not. A waste of money, that could have been put to better use elsewhere. Oh, well. Sorry about all the self-pity.
Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone
My life is over. No, I’m not dead or even dying, at least not any more than we, all of us, are from the time we’re born. In fact, using some definition of ‘life’ I might be around for a very long time more. Unfortunately, in my family, we tend to have very long ‘lives’.
What I mean is, any hope I ever had of deriving any pleasure from life is gone. I should have seen it sooner, really. Like the smart little frog, I should have seen where this was going and given up and drowned. The stupid frog wins, someone saves him. No one’s going to save me and frankly, I wouldn’t want anyone else to save me. If I can’t save myself, I don’t want to be saved. And I can’t. So, like I said. It’s over.
You might ask what’s changed since last night. Well, in a way, a lot of things have changed. It seems I will probably be stuck in this hell hole where I ‘live’ for – well, for as long as I ‘live’. My one chance of getting out of here just vanished. I can’t tell you exactly what happened, because it’s still too painful. I don’t even know the full circumstances yet. Chances are, I won’t want to know.
Secondly, I had some other bad news. I can’t tell you what that is either. You probably wouldn’t understand, but it was the one thing I still had left to hope for, other than getting out of here.
It’s time I face the facts. I’ll never succeed in anything I try. I should have known sooner. I’ve been failing for more years than I like to remember. The truth is, I’ve never succeeded at anything after I left school.
Time to give up. Time to stop trying. Why should I set myself up for disappointment, when it’s clear that nothing is ever going to work out? Each time I allow myself to hope, those hopes are crushed, sooner or later.
This time I should be smart and stop. Stop trying, stop hoping, stop hurting. Except that last one won’t be possible. When I look at others around me the inevitable comparisons are going to show up. Why is she such a success when I’m not?
Of course, I only have myself to blame. I was born this way. Set up for failure from the time I was born. I’ve tried as hard as I’ve been able to try. As hard as someone like me is capable of. What a cruel joke.
I read somewhere that we, humanity, Earth, the universe, might just be one big simulation, created by some beings far more powerful than we are. In that case, i can only conclude that they did it out of spite. Doesn’t everything seem like one big cruel, sadistic joke? To me it does.
So this is it. TIme to get smart. Time to finally learn from my life and take the consequences. Maybe it will hurt a little less if I stop trying.
What happened?
Today the sun was shining and it was actually quite warm and not windy at all. Very nice in fact. I hurried out so I wouldn’t miss the sunshine. My mom and I went shopping (groceries, nothing more fun).
That’s when I was hit with depression. By staying indoors for quite a while (except for bringing in the mail, apples etc or hanging the laundry) I’d sort of been in denial. Partially shut myself down. Now it all came back to me. What a pathetic failure I am. What a loser.
At the store we ran into a woman my mom knew from way back. I remember her kids. It was like looking back in time. There he was, that kid (who wasn’t my friend, but I knew him – he lived in our neighbourhood). Except he’s not six years old anymore, with one of those toothless smiles, six-year-olds have. It was the guy’s son. And according to the grandmother there are more grandkids, and she and this boy were going to get them.
Great. This guy, who quite honestly is younger than me, has more than one kid now. Then look at me. Living with my mom. Still struggling to get a degree and later, hopefully, a job. No boyfriend, no kids. Help!
I know many other people are a lot worse off, so I’m ashamed to whine like this, but I just hate myself for failing this badly. The worst part is I’ve never known what to do or rather how to do it, obviously, or I’d have done it years ago. (Close your eyes, take a deep breath. If you can’t even calm down, how are you ever going to straighten out this mess you’ve made of your life?) There. One thing at a time. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? A pity it isn’t, not really.
Bitter and disappointed
These days I find it hard to rouse myself from my apathy. I’m beginning to realize that this is how my life turned out. There’s no hope at all that I’ll be able to work things out now. It’s too late, or rather, considering the sort of person I am, there was never any chance. I used to be angry with myself for failing all the time. Now that I’ve thought long and hard about it, I know that there was never any way I could have ended up anywhere other than here. With my personality, I would have ended up this way even if I had another chance.
Another chance… You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to turn the clock back and still have time, still have a future. If there was any way I could get that, that’s what I’d do. No matter what little change I might be able to to make to my life, it won’t make up for ending up like this.
I’m even beginning to think I was lucky to get seriously ill and nearly die. It made me think that was why I’m such a failure. But that wasn’t it. It was just the way I was.
Yes, I am bitter and disappointed. It hurts to know that nothing will change. My life is going to continue like this, or get worse. I don’t know how other people live with this, but I handle it badly.
