| Primary Characters: | Henrik Sabroe, Saga Norén |
| Rating: | M |
| Spoilers: | Season 3 |
| Warning: | m/m sex, adult themes |
| Description: | It’s one of those nights when Henrik needs to forget. But everything doesn’t go completely according to plan. Sometimes, Saga just doesn’t understand. |
While Saga was being investigated for the murder of her mother and she was helping Henrik to go over the cold case concerning his two missing daughters, they had decided not to have sex with each other. That worked out well for Saga, because the case had affected her that way. Unfortunately, Henrik didn’t feel the same way. He still needed the sex to forget. Especially since he couldn’t take the drugs anymore after Saga found out about it and had been disappointed in him. He definitely didn’t want to make her even more disappointed.
That meant he still had to go out looking for pickups. And those nights, they couldn’t be together. Most nights, her company was enough. They worked well together. He felt comfortable with her being around. But that wasn’t always enough. There were times when he had to get out, to find someone to help him forget, now that Saga wouldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t as if he couldn’t understand. He respected her decision and would never try to talk her into something she didn’t want. So it would be have to be someone else. Just those nights when working together wasn’t enough. When sleeping side by side wasn’t enough. When he needed something more.
He left Saga hunched over the table, her nose buried in one of the thicker files. She probably realized where he was going – or maybe not. He was reluctant to spell it out, in case she tried to offer him sex anyway. That wasn’t what he was after. He respected her rules.
He had already decided where to go. It was a bar in downtown Copenhagen that he would go to sometimes. Never the same bar too many times though. He liked to check out new places from time to time too. This was one was nice. He liked the music, the drinks, the women who came there.
He got a seat at the bar and ordered a drink. Off and on he still got the cravings for the pills but he could handle it, and the alcohol helped. He was beginning to relax. Time to take a look around. See what was on offer. At a table not far from the bar he saw a group of women out together. They were laughing. Having wine. Looking for men to dance with. Maybe something more. He tried to catch the eye of one of them but failed. By the bar there were mostly men, but at the right end, there was a woman. Again, he tried to catch her eye, but it seemed she was mostly here for the drinks tonight. She kept having her glass refilled, and she seemed to be able to handle her booze well.
As the hours passed by, he kept an eye on the women coming and going, but didn’t have much luck. He did order a drink for one of them, but after a while, a friend of hers showed up and she left without looking back. By now he knew the type. She had a boyfriend. Wasn’t looking for anything but a good time. A few drinks. Maybe a dance or two. Nothing more.
Would he need to leave alone tonight? No. Not tonight. He was getting edgy. If he couldn’t find a woman, he’d need to have more of those pills. He couldn’t handle a night like this completely on his own. It was the weather, he thought. Exactly the same type of weather it had been on the night Alice and the girls disappeared.
Suddenly, he felt as if he was being watched. He felt someone’s gaze travel across him. Turning around, he tried to find out who it was. Someone who had come in late? That woman over there – no. She just wanted another drink. The bartender refilled her glass and she seemed content with that. The group of women at that table had left. All of them had found dates for the night. Then who was it?
There. Not a woman. A man. He was filled with mixed emotions. As usual, his first impulse was to back off. Then he told himself that this was most likely his only chance tonight. At least that was what he would tell himself on the few occasions he had done this before. So he turned slightly and smiled at the guy. Even raised his glass to him slightly. A guy his own age. Not a weirdo. Just some ordinary guy. It would be fine. He took some time to decide, but in the end, he knew that he would do it. The guy seemed to get it too. He moved closer and sat down next to him, in a seat that had just been vacated. They had another drink, then they left together.
A moment later they were in a taxi heading for the guy’s place. Henrik didn’t know his name and the guy didn’t know Henrik’s name, which was exactly as it should be. Soon he would have forgotten where the man lived too, but not how oblivion felt.
As soon as they got into the apartment, which was on the first floor, the guy moved up to Henrik. Pressed closed to him. He felt a skillful, insistent hand inside his jeans and that was good. Exactly what he needed. That first moment of repulsion, of regret was over. After another moment, he remembered to do his part. His own hand began to find its way into the guy’s pants. Briefly, it looked as if the guy was going to kiss him, but something in Henrik’s stance seemed to filter through to the guy, so nothing came of that.
A moment later, Henrik noticed that something had changed. He had closed his eyes, but opened them again and found that the guy was now on his knees on the floor. Was this what he wanted? Most women didn’t do it, but it was good. Great, in fact. It made him forget everything else. It was over far too soon, but that was fine. He’d had what he’d come for. Moments later Henrik walked out without a word. Sometimes it was that easy. A quick, easy contact, instant oblivion and then – he could go on.
At other times, the woman might be after a relationship and he was forced to disappoint her. Sometimes he wasn’t even able to be honest with them. He just didn’t get in touch again. They would be disappointed, and he could understand that, but he didn’t have more to give. Probably never would. The men had been – at least so far – more businesslike. No nagging about phone numbers and further contact. Just what was needed, no more.
In the taxi back to his place, he felt great. This was exactly what he had needed. No longer was his head filled with memories. He felt relaxed, capable of going on for a while longer, even without the pills. He was almost sorry he couldn’t spend the night with Saga.
The taxi dropped him off in the street outside his house. He paid the driver and was about to get his keys from his pocket when something made him look around. Something out of the ordinary. Maybe it was his copper’s instinct. Was that – yes – no one else in this street drove that type of car. It was Saga. Henrik’s throat went dry. Had she found something? Was something else wrong? The door to the Porsche opened and Saga began to cross the street. Henrik waited on the front steps, then let her in.
What could be wrong? The feeling of well-being evaporated. What was she going to tell him? He didn’t have long to wait.
Before she had even hung up her coat, she turned on him, and he felt himself caught in that intense gaze.
”You had sex with a man tonight.”
What? Was that all she had to say? Though he was fully aware of why he was doing what he was doing and he wasn’t ashamed, this felt like a bit much this late in the evening. When he thought about it, he did feel a little embarrassed. He hadn’t been prepared to share this particular secret with her. How typical of Saga to just approach the topic head on, with no preliminaries.
”Yes.”
Honesty still seemed the best choice. What else could he say? She must have seen him or she wouldn’t have said that she had.
”You didn’t kiss.”
”No.”
Where was she going with that? Apparently, he was about to find out.
”I don’t understand. Why a man?”
Maybe he should try to explain anyway. He wasn’t ashamed of himself, but she was asking and as he well knew, he couldn’t very well tell Saga to shut up and mind her own business. In the end, he’d be forced to explain anyway.
”Why not? Tonight, I couldn’t find a woman.”
”No? So why did you go with a man?”
”Saga, we did agree that you and I wouldn’t have sex while we were working on this, and while you’re being investigated.”
”Yes, that’s right. I can’t have sex now with all this on my mind.”
”That’s fine, but I do. I need it. Maybe it’s different with men. Maybe we need it more than you do.”
”But it’s not logical.”
Logical? Sex with men? As if sex with women was.
”Logical? Saga, you don’t have sex with men to become pregnant, do you?”
”No, I told you that I wouldn’t be good at taking care of a child. It’s not – I’m not a suitable person for that.”
”Yes, I remember you telling me that. But then that’s not logical either. Is it?”
Saga’s eyes were moving back and forth under her eyelids, as he’d noticed her doing when she was trying to figure something out and she didn’t understand. It was obvious she was thinking and trying to process what he had told her.
”Sex is sex, Saga. It helps me forget for a while. You’re not jealous, are you?”
It was obvious that the word didn’t mean much to her so that didn’t help. He would have to try again.
”Why is it harder for you to accept me having sex with men than with women?”
”Because -”
Then she fell silent and after a moment more of thought, she nodded.
”No, you’re right. I guess it is the same. Would you like to have sex with me?”
”What? Now?”
Hardly now, not right after that. And not here. All he wanted was to get into the shower. Especially now that Saga was standing there staring at him in that intense way. Besides – maybe he was getting old but that need was filled for the night. More wouldn’t do him any good anyway. Not tonight.
”No. Would you like us to have sex instead? To help you forget?”
”I’d love to, but you said you don’t feel up to it right now and I accept that. Of course that means I have to have sex with someone else. Saga, sometimes that might be a man. Is that so hard to understand?”
”No, maybe not. Never mind.”
Finally.
”Ok. Saga, you’re welcome to spend the night here. I’m just going to have a shower. Have a beer or something to eat or whatever you like and then we can sleep.”
”Ok. Sure. Have that shower. I will stay then. Oh. I found something in one of those files you gave me. I thought -”
As always, whenever they’d ‘found’ something, Henrik was always filled with mixed emotions. At times he had hoped beyond hope that their findings would lead somewhere, but at other times, he’d just ended up tired of all the disappointments and false leads that just ended up leading nowhere. He didn’t think it would be anything this time either.
”Anything tangible?”
”No, just something I thought I’d check up on.”
”Can we do that tomorrow? I’m tired.”
”Yes, we can do it tomorrow.”
”Good.”
It still felt at bit uncomfortable that Saga had seen him with that man. If it had been anyone but Saga, he would have confronted her. Asked her why she was spying on him. But that wouldn’t work with Saga. He didn’t think she’d even understand the concept of spying or – why he felt so awkward right now. That he actually was a little embarrassed at the moment, even though he never felt that way anymore. No one but Saga would have started discussing the details. He was almost afraid she would move on to discussing oral sex now or something equally mortifying and intimate. Of course, he was guessing that to Saga, oral sex wouldn’t be logical. So maybe he wouldn’t have to go through that.
When he got out of the shower, he found Saga already lying in bed. She seemed completely intent on sleeping. Good. So was he. For a moment he allowed himself to feel quite comfortable with her being there, to enjoy her being right next to him. Which meant he wasn’t alone anymore, now that Alice never lay next to him anymore. He had always known that she hadn’t done that since she disappeared, but it had felt so real. With Saga around, he was able to sleep without the drugs.
If only she could understand that he needed that sex. Sometimes it was all too much for him and that was when he needed to forget. He wouldn’t let Saga ruin that for him. If that’s what it took, he would keep having sex with men too. He wouldn’t even start wondering if that meant he was bisexual. That didn’t matter. As long as he got what he needed he’d be content. It didn’t take Saga long to drift off to sleep and Henrik felt that it wouldn’t be long before he too could sleep.
FIN
© Tonica